Twilight

Today I watched Twilight with a person who currently holds my heart and he doesn't know it. [er... i think he doesn't] It started out good and wonderful. He came to my house a bit late cause of traffic. But it was all good, more time to spend together.

Today I made a promise to myself that I'm not going to do any physical contact with him. And for the first time i've kept that promise. I even forced my hand into my jacket so they wouldn't be linking with his. But instead it was HIM who did the initial contact. He hugged me from the back [my most favorite hugs] I know that me and him ended things awhile ago. But this? Him doing this? ... confuses me. And he opens the doors for me before he goes into the car. Before he NEVER did that EVER! I'm hoping that he doing that to be cute. But he may just do that for everyone. I'm totally confused.

It felt like old times. Mind over matter I kept repeating that over and over in my head. But towards the end, my emotions broke free. When he walked me to my door our little date ended with a hug. Even though inside i wanted so much more. I wish things were how they were. Where I could just live, laugh and not worry about anything else as long as he's by my side. But now, it's not like that. When our hug ended, we just parted ways. He walked to his car and I walked to my room and cried.

I know that it hurts me every time i'm with him or around him. But i can't help it. I like him too much. I'm an idiot to keep on asking him to "hang out", lame excuses to pick up my brother from school to just see him and to think of reasons to call him. Cause each time when i see him or hear his voice... it's like stab in my heart.

I've tired to let go, but i can't. I don't want to yet.